1882

Dear Mr Gladstone,

We hope your health remains excellent and that you are taking the advice of that most sensible Lady, your dear wife to refrain from attempted salvation of fallen women particularly during such inclement weather such as that which pertained in spring.

We read with horror the news about the shocking debacle in Sudistan. We understand that very many of our brave boys (including the incomparably gallant Captain Eager) now face obliteration at the hands of a desperate and fiendish foe, maddened into a blood lust by their recent triumph. We trust the investigation into the causes of this sorry situation will be both thorough and unfettered by class prejudice.

But, as Mr Brown so cleverly reminds me, what is to be done in face of the immediate peril of our boys up the Nile? Mr Brown has explained to us, with the aid of ingenious models, the current arid nature of the river and its consequent impracticality as a mode of transport. However, a Proud and Glorious Nation such as ours, a Nation that raised the Crystal Palace and invented the self-propelling corset key, cannot surrender to Mere Geography. How shall we raise our heads amongst Other Nations, pretending to our Imperial Crown if we are unable to Look After Our Own?

We are confident that you will take such action as will make it possible for Captain Eager, and his doughty and doubtless good-hearted sergeant Baker, to stand before us and receive the grateful thanks of their most enthusiastic Sovereign in person.

Furthermore, we wish to bestow our ‘By Royal Appointment’ crest to Messers Maynard of Bristol for their useful parasols. Investigation should be made at once into their performance in the field. Our daughters already testify to their utility in crushing the ardour of upstart European princelings.

Victoria Regina.